Listening – The perfect gift for Christmas!

This wonderful blog is written by my guest blogger  Elizabeth English BA (Hons), MPhil (Oxon), DPhil (Oxon) www.lifeatwork.co.uk       Why is listening the perfect gift? How do we feel if we're fully heard and understood? Relieved, perhaps! But much more too. When somebody really listens to us, we feel it viscerally; we sigh deeply, our whole body relaxes and responds; we feel valued, affirmed, respected, confident, happy, empowered and ready to move on, to take the next step. Being fully seen and heard brings possibilities of change. Like all communication when it works well, it naturally carries us forward. Who's it for? An empathic listening space is suitable for people of ALL ages! I've yet to meet anyone who isn't thankful when another person catches what they say, or grasps their meaning. Even if being heard doesn't seem important to us on a personal level, the moment we engage over something practical, we need to be understood.  And on a human level, we can all benefit. With the warm, non-judgemental acceptance of true listening, we are seen (or have the potential to be seen) in the clear light of reality -  not just as who we are, but, perhaps more importantly, for who we want to be. We're given the freedom to be ourselves. Note: If there's nobody you want to give it to - you can listen to yourself! When did you last have time to enjoy just being? It may be just the treat you need ... How much does it cost? Here's the catch. It costs everything we have! When we listen fully, we listen with the whole of ourselves. We put down our own agendas and concerns, and immerse ourselves completely in the other person's world. True listening, even for the briefest moment, is total. The other person feels our full attention. We give our human presence, just as we are. Can anyone give it? Listening may be a special gift, but we do not need to be a special person to listen. All that's required is our curiosity. We do not need to be wise, or clever, or funny, or sorted, or calm, or good-looking or even have a good memory. We spend time with the other person, just as we are. And because we are present with them just as they are, we validate their world of experience. We do so without trying too hard; without doing anything 'special'. Now, they can stand on their ground more firmly; they inhabit their world more freely. Which size should I go for? Our listening space is as large or small as we want to make it. What matters is the quality of that space. But if you are short of space and time this Christmas, remember: a little empathy goes a long way! We need only pause for a moment to resonate with someone's words. Instead of dashing onto the next thing, we take time out; it's a moment of sheer holiday spent in someone else's landscape. We enter the dimension Being, not Doing. Here, even a small interaction feels large. For the person we listen to, it's as if we have all the time in the world to take them in. It's ecologically sound! If you're catering for vegetarians or eco-warriors, it's the perfect gift: It creates spontaneous warmth It raises energy levels naturally It's never wasted, and fully recyclable (we can listen as often as we like to the same thing!) No wrapping required! Listening is best seen for what it is. The fewer layers the better. Our warm interest in another person doesn't need pretty words to be appreciated. Without frills and glitter, our listening can be direct and authentic. Fully refundable If your listening gift is not what's wanted - you can exchange it any time, for words. Your words may be what your loved ones want, after all ... True Christmas spirit! Listening never leaves anyone out - even ourselves. Although listening seems to be about another person, at best, it'sjust as much about us. When we pause to create a listening space for someone else, we get a break from our busy Doing mode - and a chance to enjoy a stress-free moment of pure Being. We listen for our own sake, as much as another's: True listening enriches the listener as much as the speaker And the benefits go beyond this. When we drop all expectations and wishes for what another person 'should' be, or 'could' be, but see them just as they are, something magical happens. We discover, and rediscover, the timeless truth, that: If you listen to someone fully, you can't help loving them Postscript: what's the aftercare? Warning: You may need to listen again! (Because the person enjoyed it so much the first time! And I hope because you loved it too ....) _______________________________________ CAN YOU HELP? If you enjoyed reading this tip, you can sign up here: Life At Work: Communication Blog (questions, tips, support)

The Final Countdown!

 

 

One of the most common things I hear when I am working with leaders, childcare practitioners and parents too is:

 

 “There are not enough hours in the day”

 

 And at this time of year, I don't know about you, but, it seems that this urgency increases,"time" really does run away with its self, my days pass by so quickly and there are so many things that I want to complete before the final countdown to Christmas.  
 

Why is it that so many of us, feel that we have so much to do?

I have many requests to lead trainings on “time management” and what most people want is to learn are new ways to manage their time/tasks and they think that this is going to give them the answer to feelings of overwhelm.

 

There are of course many very useful tools and strategies that can help us to prioritise more effectively including:

• Categorising tasks into what is important, urgent, not important; Considering how much time we spend on what we value, enjoy, how much time we spend on tasks and relationships;
• Creating “To do” lists;
• Appointment and task scheduling: for the week, month or even for the year;
• Minimising interruptions
• Changing our internal dialogue. 

All of these strategies support us in our desire to become more efficient and more effective and many people that I work with take this action and yet, there are still times when we feel overwhelmed and find ourselves saying that “there is not enough time”.

Last week when I arrived early for a meeting in Westminster, I took some time to look at the magnificent architecture of our city and the clock that marks time for us all here in London.  I was conscious of the fresh crisp air on my skin and took some deep breaths; breathing in for just a few minutes the magnificent scenery and the whole world seemed to slow time down a little! 

Its amazing that to pause for a while, to be fully present with what is before us, particularly when we connect to the elements that bring us sharply back to our senses, this simple action can alter our perception of time.

How does this work?

 

When we give our mind a rest from analysing, comparing, evaluating and thinking about what we have done or must do, we feel more relaxed, more clarity comes and the decisions we make are more effective. 

  

To notice overwhelm and to take action is key

• Breath
• Go for a walk
• Play with the children
• Stroke the cat
• Practise yoga
• Watch the sunset

Whatever works for you!

What matters is that we take time out to restore our emotional and physiological balance.  If we don't do this, our final countdown may come more quickly than we think!

When we connect to what is before us, in every action and interaction. This is the present which is the gift  that transforms our perception of time.
 

Tracy

I'm Only Two

 

I love to run around and around, and climb inside cupboards, too,

To tip every thing out of boxes and put things down the loo

I love to put things around my neck and to be swaddled in a blanket by you.  I need your help when I’m upset because I don’t know what to do.

My emotions wash all over me, like a storm that needs to calm,

I need you to be close to me, with a love that breaths healing balm

 I really enjoy movement: to dance to rock to spin; to crawl and wriggle like a worm on the floor, to put all of my toys in the bin!

I laugh and cry and kick and scream, when I’m tired and I don’t understand. I need you to be close to me, I need you to hold my hand.

I am so very clever, learning more than you can see; my neurons connect in all weathers and lay foundations for who I will be.

I miss my mummy and daddy, please wipe my nose for me, I'm learning about loss and separation, these things are new to me.

I love to experiment with food, with water and mud too, I’m a mathematician, a physicist, a communicator with exceptional perception of cues.

I know what I want and I take it– it’s an exciting way to live – to tell me to share, to say sorry and stop crying will not teach me to give.

I cry, I kick, I bite, I spit I may not let you near, stay close to me, keep me from harm and always wipe my tears..

I’m only two, I need to know that you will shower me with love, to help me grow, to help me know, how to grow the wings of a dove.

I am very happy for you to share this with others
Copyright - Tracy Seed 11/12

 

 

I Belong Here

This is how one Swedish  Pre-School in Stockholm ( committed to Reggio Emilia and NVC) supports childrens unique identity and fosters a sense of belonging to the community. http://www.angbybarnensforskolor.se/
It is one of five preschools who have been awarded recognition for their outstanding practice a number of times.

We enter a room where they have painted the whole of the floor with a map of their neighbourhood, it has the roads clearly marked.  The children have made models of their own houses.They have been working on this project for many months.

The teacher tells me that it all started with a series of outings. The whole class visited each others houses and they took photographs of each of them:photographs of them all outside each of their homes..
When they returned to the pres-school, they decided to paint the floor with a map and the project evolved ..they made their houses and their interest and imaginations grew......they added furniture, people, gardens, animals etc "they play in this room regularly, still adding to their creations" the teacher told me..

They were also, each given an opportunity of take home a camera for a day and they took photographs of what ever they wanted to, at home and in the surrounding areas. This led to more sharing..the emergence of stories, poetry, paintings, drawings and they making books about their lives. One evening,, their  parents came to the nursery too see their work and they made some clay models of themselves which are in the display cabinet here:

The nursery documented this project from its start and they put together an exhibition for the local community at a centre close to the nursery. Photographs of this work was displayed for a number of weeks for all to see.

And these things happen naturally, without any effort at all....:)

Statutory Framework for the Early Years Foundation Stage 2012
Setting the standards for learning, development and care for children from birth to five

"People and communities - Children talk about past and present events in their own lives and in the lives of family members. They know that other children don’t always enjoy the same things, and are sensitive to this. They know about similarities and differences between themselves and others, and among families, communities and traditions. "

"The world- Children know about similarities and differences in relation to places, objects, materials and living things. They talk about the features of their own immediate environment and how environments might vary from one another. They make observations of animals and plants and explain why some things occur, and talk about changes. "

"Assessment should not entail prolonged breaks from interaction with children, nor require excessive paperwork. Paperwork should be limited to that which is absolutely necessary to promote children’s successful learning and development. Parents and/or carers should be kept up-to-date with their child’s progress and development"

If you would like to know more and maybe even join me on a trip to Sweden sometime or speak to me about a workshop at your nursery, please correspond with me directly via email or one of the links below.

http://www.facebook.com/LeadinginEducationandFamilies

http://twitter.com/#!/tracyseed

http://www.tracyseedassociates.co.uk/

We're Going on a Bear Hunt

Another contribution from Ellen Duthie,guest contributor, a philosophy graduate who works as a translator in Spain, where she lives with a Spanish music journalist and their two-year old boy. One of the many things she enjoys doing in her free time is sharing children's book reviews and thoughts in her blogs We Read it Like This (wereaditilikethis.blogspot.com) and Lo Leemos Así (loleemosasi.blogspot.com). I am very happy that she shares with us too, I do hope you enjoy listening and reflecting on the variety of ways that you might use this wonderful story to stimulate your work with children.


We're Going on a Bear Hunt, by Michael Rosen (writer)
& Helen Oxenbury (illustrator), Walker Books, 1989.
Our edition: Walker Books, 1997.

Click on the cover to listen to the way we read We're Going on a Bear Hunt by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury.

We're Going on a Bear Hunt is a family adventure of playful bravery, evocative noises and giggly fear.
The Story
Based on an old campfire song, We're Going on a Bear Hunt tells the story of a family (refreshingly, a father with four kids and a dog) that sets out one morning on an adventure to catch a bear. They are determined ("We're going on a bear hunt"), confident (We're going to catch a big one), optimistic ("What a beautiful day!") and fearless ("We're not scared").


On the way, they encounter all sorts of obstacles they "can't go over and can't go under" but just have to "go through", and, luckily, they all make interesting noises. These obstacles include a field of long wavy grass (swishy swashy), a deel cold river (splash splosh), a field of thick oozy mud (squelch squerch), a big dark forest (stumble trip!), a swirling whirling snowstorm (Hoooo woooo!) and finally a narrow gloomy cave (tiptoe! tiptoe!).


Waiting for them in the cave is the last thing they expect to find. An actual bear! They all turn around and run out, having to make their way back through all the obstacles in reverse order, making all those funny noises again, but far more quickly and with the bear running after them, back to their front door and eventually into bed and under the covers with the determination never to go on a bear hunt again.


The Illustrations
Helen Oxenbury's pencil and watercolour illustrations, alternating colour and black and white double page spreads, bring to life this family's day out, with a perfect rendering of that combination of excitement and contented exhaustion children tend to display on a day out.


We're Going on a Bear Hunt has wonderful movement scenes:

Splash splosh

Oh no! We forgot to close the door!

And just as great scenes of the family at rest in between obstacles:

We like the faces of them all when they enter into the cave:

Tiptoe! Tiptoe!

And when they get to the bedroom. Aaaah!



Our son loves the scene where they are under the blanket, particuarly the head poking out in the bottom left hand corner and the safe teddy-bear the baby is playing with:

And we all like the last scene, of course, with the bear walking back alone, looking more like he's in need of a friend than a bite to eat:

Reading it Aloud
We're Going on a Bear Hunt is written to be recited or sung out loud.

We did not know the song it is based on and I confess we found it hard to find a comfortable rhythm to it at the very start. It somehow seemed to fall flat. However after a few readings, we made it our own and our son has loved it ever since (we bought it when he was around 15 months).

It has all the perfect elements to be read aloud to young kids: repetition (both words and rhythm), plenty of interesting sounds, and a sudden change in tempo which breaks the tension and brings on a wonderful comic effect that gets children giggling every time, before it all calms down again right at the end. And on top of all that, the chance -almost the compulsion- for the child to join in, with voice or body or both.

We sometimes read it "quietly" and concentrate on the sounds (like in the recording), or read it more actively, acting it out, moving our hands through the grass while we say swishy swashy, pretending to swim through the splash splosh, getting up and walking in the squelch squerchy mud and pretending to stumble and trip through the forest, before shivering through the snowstorm and tiptoeing into the cave and then doing it all in reverse order on the way back!

Whether we are reading it quietly or actively, we always move our arms to:

We can't go over it.
We can't go under it. 
Oh no!
We've got to go through it!

A couple of interesting We're Going on a Bear Hunt videos:
Check out this lightly animated version of the story:

And Michael Rosen himself telling it: 
(c) of all the illustrations in this post: Helen Oxenbury, 1989.

Why is it important to say goodbye?

I was recently part of an on-line discussion on this subject of whether it’s important for parents to say goodbye to their children, when they are left in their child care setting, rather than sneaking away when they play happily.This was the request received on-line, from mother of child 18mths old to NVC practitioners and trainers…and anyone else wanting to contribute….

“Why is it recommended that parents should say goodbye to their children, rather than sneak away when they play happily in their child care setting?
Is it to help them feel secure and to know that mummy and daddy will come back later?
When we do this our son gets very upset and takes 5 or 10 minutes to settle, where as when we sneak out we leave him playing happily and there seems little trauma in relation to separation, he doesn’t even seem to notice that we have left.
I don't currently know if us not saying goodbye is causing any other unmet needs like anxiety or nervousness around us not coming back, he generally seems pretty happy when we come back, but of course, I don't know.
Communicating with him about his needs at this point is not really possible as he is 18mths old. "


I really enjoyed this response which was posted by Sarah Peyton and Bonnie Badenoch USA. (Bonnie Badenoch wrote 'Being a Brain-wise Therapist )
“Saying goodbye is important, but sometimes hard for parents because they have difficulty tolerating their child's cries. Securely attached children cry upon departure, but then settle down - so this sounds right. By having a routine of saying goodbye and then returning later, he will gradually develop neural nets for this pattern of transition and feel more and more secure upon their departure because of the awareness that there will be a return. Without the goodbye, there's no pattern developing, and sneaking isn't going to work much longer anyway. So at some point, he is going to notice you going and have to start from that point. Being able to tolerate our children's cries is so important so our children know that crying is the appropriate response to something that hurts. In the big picture, he "needs" to learn about goodbye and hello again, and the tears in the small picture are a steppingstone to that.
For the brain, the neural nets that develop when we are small hold a prediction of how the world will be, a prediction that we carry on through the rest of our lives.
• Are we safe?
• Is the world more or less predictable?
• Do we need to be hyper vigilant about where people we love are to keep them from disappearing?
• Do we know we matter to those around us?
• The more we are present for our children's reactions to the world and our schedules, the more they are able to hold transition with care and self-compassion throughout their lives.”

Managing emotional separation
Separation/transition anxieties and emotional distress can be very upsetting for parents and carers, but, managing these times are so very important; it is these very early experiences that can impact our adult lives…Responses and subsequent behaviour to transitions and separations will be borne out of how they have made sense of these early experiences.


Most of us have no conscious memory of our infancy and find it difficult to recall experiences before the age of around three years, but this does not mean that these experiences aren’t being coded in our memory. Our hippo campus (the brain nucleus that lays down long term memory) is fully mature by around one year and it seems that emotional responses are coded here from birth, or maybe even in the womb. Experiences travel through our senses long before we can rationalise them, in fact our ability to think symbolically, creatively and rationally does not emerge until around 18 mths.


The role of the person supporting the distressed child literally helps that child get wired up for the future….Margot Sunderland - The Science of Parenting says:


"Will your child be tormented by lower (reptilian) brain systems repeatedly triggering primitive impulses of defence and attack?

Or will he feel so much hurt that he cuts off from the strong feelings of love and need in his mammalian brain, going through life in an over-rational way, unable to form close relationships?
Or will his rational brain coordinate with the emotional systems in his mammalian brain in ways that allow him to enjoy the highest level of social intelligence with the deepest level of human compassion and concern?


Here are a few tips on how to manage emotional distress in a way that supports a child developing the deepest level of human compassion and concern.


• Keep calm.
• Step into their world and gain a real sense of what they feel and need
• Soothe them, through words, touch, embrace, rocking, tone of voice and connection with eyes.
• Let them know that it is OK to express their emotions and help them to feel safe throughout the process
• When the emotional balance has been restored and if they are old enough, talk through the situation.
• Read stories about emotions


Communicating with compassion is the key- I wonder what your thoughts are on this?
If you would like to join a Parent Connect group to explore ways of connecting within your family with greater compassion and connection click here to register your interest or contact me directly by calling 07795632878. Or join my on one of my other events, by clicking http://tracyseed.blogspot.com/p/events-2011.html

Circle Time and more in Greece

I arrived here at the Kalikalos Centre in Greece 23rd July to take part in a dynamic governance (sociocracy) training event with Emile Van Dantzig and I found myself gaining a deeper understanding of this organisational model and in a small community of people of all ages in the mountains of Pelion, a very short walk from the beautiful traditional village of Kissos.

Immediately on arrival, I was welcomed and had a sense of connection with the place and the people. During the opening circle of the whole community, which included our group, another group and those staying here for community experience, we took time to say a little about ourselves and if we would like to share our talents with the group during our stay.

Indian Head Massage, Languages and Guitar tutoring were offered. I offered phobia cures and to lead a community dance session.

I received an overwhelming response from everyone that they would love to dance and also many spoke to me individually about their anxieties about expressing themselves freely in dance.

I felt excited and anxious:excited at offering this wonderful way of expressing ourselves and coming together as a community group in the celebration of life and anxious as the group was large, over 25 people of all ages and abilities.

I was taken to Spiti ton Kentavron which is the other centre here in Pelion to see the wonderful open airy space for dance and movement. I plugged in my ipod and the music filled the space beautifully. I just needed to plan it now and I did!

I sensed a need for fun, creativity, playfulness, coming together with sensitivity, with openness and engagement.

For around two hours on Wednesday evening in the space at Spiti ton Kentavron we danced energetically, vibrantly, expressively, softly, creatively, uniquely, responsively.

Having the opportunity to lead this community dance event was wonderful for me. I observed moments when the movements of individuals and the group touched me deeply. During one dance with hands. I observed two mothers with their daughters united through the sensitive, fluid and creative movement of their hands and it was as if there was a reverence radiating from their small group formation.
Another dance that touched me deeply was between a mother and her young daughter of just 7 years where with just one finger connecting them they moved together in absolute connection to the soft harmonies. I also enjoyed seeing two teenage girls who at times had seemed a little self conscious, now moving sensitively, with ease together in melodic unity.

I left the centre on 30th July to stay with my partner Michael and his family just a few miles away in Tsagarada. My experience of leading the dance, learning more about living together in an ecologically sustainable community and engaging in workshops daily to learn more about the theory of sociocracy was really interesting. I feel very enthusiastic about sharing this organisational model and more with leaders in early years. I will write more about the principles and practices of sociocracy when I return to the UK.

Right now I am enjoying walking in the mountains and relaxing on the beach. Today, I received a request to return to the communities to lead another session of music and movement, this time for the family groups that are staying there now, all nationalities, all ages, mainly single mothers with and their sons. I accepted the request and am looking forward to sharing in another joyous celebration of the dance of life, with others, here in the mountains of Pelion.

I’m thinking that maybe I will return next year myself to lead an event for a week …if you think you might like to join me do let me know and I will keep you posted about the details of what I will offer.