Listening – The perfect gift for Christmas!

This wonderful blog is written by my guest blogger  Elizabeth English BA (Hons), MPhil (Oxon), DPhil (Oxon) www.lifeatwork.co.uk       Why is listening the perfect gift? How do we feel if we're fully heard and understood? Relieved, perhaps! But much more too. When somebody really listens to us, we feel it viscerally; we sigh deeply, our whole body relaxes and responds; we feel valued, affirmed, respected, confident, happy, empowered and ready to move on, to take the next step. Being fully seen and heard brings possibilities of change. Like all communication when it works well, it naturally carries us forward. Who's it for? An empathic listening space is suitable for people of ALL ages! I've yet to meet anyone who isn't thankful when another person catches what they say, or grasps their meaning. Even if being heard doesn't seem important to us on a personal level, the moment we engage over something practical, we need to be understood.  And on a human level, we can all benefit. With the warm, non-judgemental acceptance of true listening, we are seen (or have the potential to be seen) in the clear light of reality -  not just as who we are, but, perhaps more importantly, for who we want to be. We're given the freedom to be ourselves. Note: If there's nobody you want to give it to - you can listen to yourself! When did you last have time to enjoy just being? It may be just the treat you need ... How much does it cost? Here's the catch. It costs everything we have! When we listen fully, we listen with the whole of ourselves. We put down our own agendas and concerns, and immerse ourselves completely in the other person's world. True listening, even for the briefest moment, is total. The other person feels our full attention. We give our human presence, just as we are. Can anyone give it? Listening may be a special gift, but we do not need to be a special person to listen. All that's required is our curiosity. We do not need to be wise, or clever, or funny, or sorted, or calm, or good-looking or even have a good memory. We spend time with the other person, just as we are. And because we are present with them just as they are, we validate their world of experience. We do so without trying too hard; without doing anything 'special'. Now, they can stand on their ground more firmly; they inhabit their world more freely. Which size should I go for? Our listening space is as large or small as we want to make it. What matters is the quality of that space. But if you are short of space and time this Christmas, remember: a little empathy goes a long way! We need only pause for a moment to resonate with someone's words. Instead of dashing onto the next thing, we take time out; it's a moment of sheer holiday spent in someone else's landscape. We enter the dimension Being, not Doing. Here, even a small interaction feels large. For the person we listen to, it's as if we have all the time in the world to take them in. It's ecologically sound! If you're catering for vegetarians or eco-warriors, it's the perfect gift: It creates spontaneous warmth It raises energy levels naturally It's never wasted, and fully recyclable (we can listen as often as we like to the same thing!) No wrapping required! Listening is best seen for what it is. The fewer layers the better. Our warm interest in another person doesn't need pretty words to be appreciated. Without frills and glitter, our listening can be direct and authentic. Fully refundable If your listening gift is not what's wanted - you can exchange it any time, for words. Your words may be what your loved ones want, after all ... True Christmas spirit! Listening never leaves anyone out - even ourselves. Although listening seems to be about another person, at best, it'sjust as much about us. When we pause to create a listening space for someone else, we get a break from our busy Doing mode - and a chance to enjoy a stress-free moment of pure Being. We listen for our own sake, as much as another's: True listening enriches the listener as much as the speaker And the benefits go beyond this. When we drop all expectations and wishes for what another person 'should' be, or 'could' be, but see them just as they are, something magical happens. We discover, and rediscover, the timeless truth, that: If you listen to someone fully, you can't help loving them Postscript: what's the aftercare? Warning: You may need to listen again! (Because the person enjoyed it so much the first time! And I hope because you loved it too ....) _______________________________________ CAN YOU HELP? If you enjoyed reading this tip, you can sign up here: Life At Work: Communication Blog (questions, tips, support)

I'm Only Two

 

I love to run around and around, and climb inside cupboards, too,

To tip every thing out of boxes and put things down the loo

I love to put things around my neck and to be swaddled in a blanket by you.  I need your help when I’m upset because I don’t know what to do.

My emotions wash all over me, like a storm that needs to calm,

I need you to be close to me, with a love that breaths healing balm

 I really enjoy movement: to dance to rock to spin; to crawl and wriggle like a worm on the floor, to put all of my toys in the bin!

I laugh and cry and kick and scream, when I’m tired and I don’t understand. I need you to be close to me, I need you to hold my hand.

I am so very clever, learning more than you can see; my neurons connect in all weathers and lay foundations for who I will be.

I miss my mummy and daddy, please wipe my nose for me, I'm learning about loss and separation, these things are new to me.

I love to experiment with food, with water and mud too, I’m a mathematician, a physicist, a communicator with exceptional perception of cues.

I know what I want and I take it– it’s an exciting way to live – to tell me to share, to say sorry and stop crying will not teach me to give.

I cry, I kick, I bite, I spit I may not let you near, stay close to me, keep me from harm and always wipe my tears..

I’m only two, I need to know that you will shower me with love, to help me grow, to help me know, how to grow the wings of a dove.

I am very happy for you to share this with others
Copyright - Tracy Seed 11/12

 

 

Ready or Not!

“Ready or not” is a phrase I can remember we used as children when playing a game we called run outs and hide and seek. I remember feeling excitement and sometimes fear too as I hid alone and felt some anticipation and restlessness at the prospect of being found and maybe a tinge of anxiety at the prospect of not being found. Then of course the extreme excitement when I was found!

Emotions are like fuel that spark us into action and let us know what we do like and what we don’t, what fires us up and what calms us down, what causes us anxiety and what makes us happy and yet often for all different reasons, it is sometimes difficult to “see the wood for the trees”. I have worked with thousands of people who find it difficult to know what makes them happy and to take action towards this.

It seems our thinking takes over – for example we have a disagreement at work or at home and spend so much time talking about what happened and often what the other person did wrong or what we did and how guilty we feel and this keeps us stuck!

When we learn to intervene in our own process and connect to what it is we feel and want, we begin to gain some clarity about what action we might take and we know if we are “ready or not!”.

Ready to act, ready to rest, ready to express ourselves etc…Emotions are the key to our wellbeing.

Strong emotions that are not regulated cause stress and this has an immense impact on our actions and in the longer term, on our health and wellbeing and its not only adults that experience stress. Children who are in deep distress when their parents leave them in the nursery, or when another child takes their favourite toy often feel overwhelmed with emotion, this happens when they are hungry, disinterested and tired too.  Young children are completely unable to regulate themselves and completely unable to think. Under the age of two they don’t even have the necessary architecture in the brain to do this!

Being responsive to children's needs, from a place of warm heartedness, and understanding is not always as easy as it sounds…so remember to look after YOU, so that you are “ready”,  instead of “not” able.  It is our responsiveness that helps  children to develop warm heartedness themselves and emotional maturity.

Tracy x

 

 

 

 

Open Hearted Connection

Join the consulation for guidance on Social and Emotional Wellbeing in Early years document...

http://www.nice.org.uk/nicemedia/live/13634/58879/58879.pdf

Here are a few visuals etc to take into consideration....

"It is through the skin, through touch, that the newborn first learns about its world and draws conclusions about whether it is a safe place or a hostile one"

See an earlier blog of mine http://tracyseed.blogspot.co.uk/2011/05/cuddling-children-not-allowed-again.html  maybe you would like to join the discussion


"We are fundementally and deeply connecting with one another"

Democracy and Freedom in the Early Years and Beyond

Democracy and Freedom in a Swedish
Pre-School,Gothenberg

I have visited and worked with a number of  Swedish preschools during the past 5 years and my experience is that their thinking about democracy and freedom is central to their work with children.

Last week I visited a preschool in Gothenburg,  and interviewed Maria a teacher in a team of three who works with 4 and 5 year olds. The philosophy of this particular school is inspired by Reggio Emilia.. Maria, tells me:

“Democracy and freedom come together”

“The children have clear rules and these rules are changeable”

“We don’t say no unless it is dangerous”

“We can be in rooms alone and we trust children to do the same”

 Groups of children alone in rooms is not something that would be allowed here in the UK, but in Sweden I have seen this many times. Children calm and confident working together and it might be quite sometime before an adult returns to see how they are doing. 

Maria tells me that if we can be in rooms alone so can they, we trust them, she says, they know the rules which are very clear and they know that if they break them they cant be in the area. 

We are standing in the Art area when she tells me that this is an area where children can be trusted to work for quite substantial periods without adult intervention – say 20 minutes…it is well organised and stocked with paints, paper and collage materials, much of the material is in glass containers.

I ask her about conflicts and  she says again that  we trust them, we don’t feel stressed about them at all, we believe that children are inherently good and want to learn and they care for each other. 

In this area she tells me it is so calm, they sometimes all complete a piece of work as a group, which will be on a large piece of paper.

The only conflicts that occur are maybe that the room might be untidy, or there maybe paint on the walls, but this is ok, they learn and we all clean this together.

Mainly conflicts that occur are outside, when the play is more physical. They know its not acceptable to use language that provokes another to protect themselves or games that are required to be someone underneath or on top, if this happens Maria says they have to talk about it and they know this.

Interview

Once a week the children have a meeting to discuss their questions about rules, concerns etc . One child will chair the meeting and will record the question and the decisions. All children vote on decisions using their name on lego pieces, a tower is built as the voting takes place, this makes it easier for them to see where the most votes are.  Maria tells me that mostly, the children are able to do this completely alone. 

This week they voted on being allowed to bring in toys from home. Previously they have not been allowed to do this. It was interesting said Maria because when this happened, they found that the noise was very loud, many of them bought toys in that made a sound. They met together again and agreed that volumes needed to be turned down, or batteries removed. 

There have been many questions/concerns discussed and decisions made during the past few weeks. I saw the notes of each meeting.

These  included :

• Its too crowded in here at registration
• Some people don’t flush the chain in the toilet
• Why don’t we have pizza for lunch?

Maria clearly explained the process that the children followed in each case and the extensive work that was undertaken to resolve issues that concern them they were involved in discussions, reading, interviewing etc….these are just some of the things we talked about…she told me much more about how they share information with parents and specifically how they do this via technology, how they keep individual records, undertake projects and what are the most important qualities and skills needed by the teaching team… if you are interested to read or hear more…do let me know and I will continue to share..

Children are the living messages

we send to a time we will not see-

 Author John W Whitehead

For children to be able to work in this way (and I'm not suggesting that we leave them to work alone in rooms) they need to develop language and thinking skills and the social and emotional capabilities for partnership, equality, mutuality,  solving problems and discussing their concerns etc ..they need a host of skills and competencies that are grown primarily from innate human potentials (to be nurtured from the inside out.) It is our job to support this process of development, helping them to express themselves as unique individuals who have the confidence, creativity, passion and empathy to know their own views and be able to listen to others … and it seems to me that this requires all of us..parents, teachers, practitioners, social workers etc....to work with ourselves around these skills and competencies too, how can we nurture these capacities in children if we don’t practice them ourselves..

If you would like to know more see:
http://www.facebook.com/LeadinginEducationandFamilies

http://twitter.com/#!/tracyseed

http://www.linkedin.com/in/tracyseed

www.tracyseedassociates.co.uk

or contact me directly to learn more about the work I am doing here in UK.

 More from Sweden soon!!

Kids Advice to Teachers

Riots at Home

As I return to the UK from my time in Greece I wonder what I will face in London. The violent scenes I saw on the front pages of the newspapers seemed a million miles away when I was sitting in a quite Taverna in a small village in the mountains of Pelion; the suns rays beamed through the trees and gently warmed me as I listened to the soft rippling sounds of the stream in in the background. Old men chatting, children playing and then a text...from my daughter telling me that events had occurred in Bromley and Shortlands and how scared she was feeling and another text from my friend in Lewisham and I realised that some of the riots had been right outside another friends front door http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com/2011/08/there-were-riots-outside-my-front-door.html
I text her to see if she was ok.

As my plane lands and the doors open and the air hits my face, I notice a cold feeling, not only from the wind, but from my feeling of sorrow that our young people in the UK became so very angry and overwhelmed;causing damage and harm to people, families and communities. I wait in the cue to show my passport and the lady standing next to me expresses her anxiety about what has happened while we have been away and she tells me that her daughter was so distressed when she watched the scenes on the TV that she asked her mum to turn it off.

It is a very important time to think about how we talk with and listen to our own family members.I'm wondering what my grandchildren are feeling and thinking as they witness this.

I ask myself how did crowds come together for such destruction ?

I reflect on the amazing potential we have for such immediate communication, collaboration and organisation: the Internet and its social networking sites and also the power of such a system to work for destruction too

I wonder about the issues underlying this outbreak and guess some of the needs being expressed might include: ...a need to belong, to be part of a group, to be accepted feel significant, a need for justice, fairness, to be noticed and listened too, a need for power, for freedom and for revolution

"Punish them"  and ..."zero tolerance"..are the main messages that I hear and I feel this too as I hear the pain and see the damage that has been caused and at the same time, I want much more than this. I want to see restorative justice to help them to recognise what pain and damage they have caused and to support them to express themselves and to hear their plight.  If we simply punish and continue to repress this violence through control, fear and punishment I really don't think it will disappear, instead it will fester and boil until another opportunity arises and it will erupt again and we will be engulfed in its lava.

Here are a few of the comments that caught my attention on face book

"More than 90,000 people have signed an online petition calling for anyone convicted of taking part in the riots to lose any benefits they receive. Yeah that's going to really help isn't it. Not"

"I think it starts with education. Pay good teachers more money and show the kids that they can educate themselves out of the poverty trap.

"Oh for goodness sake. How does evicting people from their homes help make anything better?"

"If the youth are not welcome into the tribe, they will burn down the village to feel its warmth!

What are your thoughts on this?

Mine are that as a nation and in our own communities we need to do so much more to address these issues, they are varied and have depth and have not arisen overnight.

It would help if we had more investment in:

• Intervention for families living in poverty and those who need support to transform the emotional impact of the experiences they offer their children ... early years intervention is key for young people to develop empathy and to prevent violence.....
• Services for children and families that listen, hear and understand and work in trans formative ways to connect with heart, not with judgement and to empower parents.
• Children's centres, early years settings and schools that work as small communities and are inclusive and have the resources to support the social, emotional and behavioural issues that arise within groups and between individuals in the settings as an everyday part of life. We need to be confident in our management of conflict in a way that develops our capacity to live in peace with each other not in war.
• Family support attached to these settings.
• Systems of restorative justice.

Just some thinking out loud!

Cuddling children - not allowed again????

We all need hugging and cuddling no matter what age we are. We also need the touch of a smile, verbal affection and eye contact too and we need key relationships with people we can trust. http://www.nurseryworld.co.uk/news/1067702/Hugs-extend-happiness-Happy-Days/

Affective interaction is necessary for the healthy, cognitive, social and emotional development of every human being.

This is as necessary as food.

There is so much research that exists on this subject, Harlow’s famous experiments with monkey’s in the 1960’s showed the need for comfort and warmth and many studies with infants in orphanages and in hospitals showed conclusive results that if babies do not have contact with a significant other and are not touched they fail to thrive.

Infants deprived of skin contact lose weight, become ill and even die.

Premature babies receiving “touch therapy" gained weight faster, cried less and show more signs of a relaxed pulse respiration rate and muscle tension and I'm sure that there must be research with the elderly too, but I haven’t explored this.

It seems that this natural warm physical response to another human being causes a biochemical release of the hormone, oxytocin and when this hormone enters the bloodstream we feel good: it lowers the levels of stress hormones in the body, reducing blood pressure, improves mood, increases tolerance for pain and maybe even helping the body to heal more quickly.

Cuddling/hugging is so very good for us it lowers stress

Touch is also the way that many of our memories are stored which means that our early memories are anchored deeply into the physiology of the bodies neurology (touch permeates through the dermis (skin) and activates tiny receptors which are distributed throughout the entire body). These early memories, including the way that we were touched create a pattern, a template from which subsequent relationships are formed, consequently, it is crucial to recognise the importance of the essential value of reassuring and caring touch, hugging, cuddling and expressions of affection…relationships and attachment.

This is what Leboyer 1975;Wilson 1982 said:

"It is through the skin, through touch, that the newborn first learns about its world and draws conclusions about whether it is a safe place or a hostile one"

When we feel contained in the arms of another we learn to trust. When we feel safe and securely attached, we develop the confidence to explore our surroundings independently, with a sense of adventure and self assuredness, knowing that we can return to that place of safety when we need it.

It gives us a sense of safety and security and supports the development of trust

This is what I understand about the importance of cuddling (and its connections with attachment and developing a healthy sense of mental and emotional wellbeing) so when I read a title like “cuddling children – not allowed again, which was posted on a linked-in group recently, it calls me to engage, share and respond to this very important topic and my desire is now to share what was discussed with all of you too.

Janet Uwins - Independent Early Years Consultant and Tutor, Chelmsford, UK initiated this discussion when she posted this:

“I have been teaching a regular class of pre-school practitioners today who are nearing the end of their L3 Diploma. In classroom debate, one of my students raised the subject of cuddling children, a subject that was quite controversial a few years ago. It seems to have reared its ugly head once again, this fine line between acceptable and not acceptable practice with young children, and once again I am hearing messages that settings are asking staff not to touch the children in order to protect themselves against safeguarding accusations.

Have I missed something here?

I was under the impression we had moved on from blanket policies of this nature and were putting the needs of the child first. Surely the concept behind our Key Person approach and acknowledgement of attachment theory and the emotional well-being of the child is fundamental. I would like to hear from any of you (practitioners in particular) who can offer me any enlightenment as to this supposed U-turn.”

When Janet says it has reared its “ugly head” I agree with her “the ugliness” is that child abuse exists, children could be harmed or a member of staff falsely accused of abuse and the level of fear paired with a need for safety sometimes results in staff in nurseries, teachers in schools, social workers and many others who work with children, being confused and cautious about cuddling and showing their care and affection freely…

There were many responses illustrating this concern on-line, including one contributor saying that she had worked in one placement where minimum contact was suggested (in the 12 to 18 month room) and that blanket policies about this seem to be apparent in larger chains.

Here are a few other responses for you to read:

Elaine Hook, Manager Sole Charge at Monkey Puzzle Day Nurseries, Hemel Hempstead said:

“We cuddle children openly in a room with other members of staff keeping our hand visible and usually rely on the child's lead. Of course for emotional, attachment and attunement reasons practitioners have to cuddle babies and small children but always under the organisation policies and procedures and with someone else in the room. We never do anything alone or behind closed doors especially with older children. We also ensure that we write an incident procedure form over absolutely anything and have it witnessed by a staff member and signed off by the deputy or manager and then ask the parents to sign the form and also give them a copy. It is more detrimental to the development and well being of a small child (as we all know) to not cuddle or comfort a child than it to comfort. I believe all practitioners especially managers/owners should be confident (and know their own policies well) to challenge ideas like these in the best interest of the child and their learning and development. We all want children to grow up as social well adjusted individuals and as well all know if children are not stroked, cuddled or love that can cause a wide range of trauma for later in life”.

Kathy Brodie who provides tailored training and support for early years nurseries and professionals, Stockport, UK made reference to the independent report on the Early Years Foundation Stage – Dame Tickell

4.5……….I recommend that the safeguarding and welfare requirements are made more explicit about warning signs in the behaviour of adults working in a setting. I also recommend that the EYFS sets out clearly the high level content of the child protection training that lead safeguarding practitioners are required to attend. This should align with the Working together to safeguard children guidance, and include content on safeguarding within early years settings.

4.6 That said, I recognise that this must be balanced against the need to ensure that those working in settings do not become afraid to interact confidently with the children in their care. It is only right, for example, that young children should be hugged and comforted when this is needed – indeed withholding this type of comfort could be damaging to a child. This is why this type of training and knowledge is essential to help practitioners understand what is, and is not, appropriate

Catherine, Proprietor and Centre Manager at Springlands Training and Assessment Centre, Principal and Proprietor at SPRINGLANDS (early years, childcare),Principal and Owner at St Mary's Kindergarten and The Cherries Nursery:

“Why do we put children in the position where they have to ASK for comfort (i.e. take the child's lead as they become upset/ask) surely, as sensitive adults who understand children we should anticipate when a child may become frightened or upset and step in with a 'hands on' approach (as appropriate) before they get upset?

I believe, the more 'TLC' they receive the more secure and capable of handling traumatic situations and healthily.

How many fewer than fives currently are anticipated to have mental health problems when they are adults? There is a statistic!

I would expect key-people to know their key children very well - otherwise where's the relationship?

What's the point?     Emotional security is more important than anything else?

In my opinion, the best practitioners will 'naturally' respond and personally I think they should remember, as adults we are unlikely to have any REAL memories of our lives before six (maybe just those told to us) - I am sure you will agree what we do remember of our childhoods has influenced us somehow in adulthood - but as we remember consciously we can rationalise it and maybe repair the hurt. I worry about what is not remembered and this is why 'early years' is such a huge responsibility!

I personally think no cuddling is neglect - that maybe is my subconscious influencing that judgment, particularly when I look at my first school photo!

The nursery systems, environment, staffing ratio's, policies together with the professionalism and trust of individuals within teams should be in place to support individual staff in giving to children; to meet all their needs - this obviously requires 'constant review' and 'risk assessment' to possible accusations/worries/claims.

This is such an important discussion. I enjoyed it and at the same time I feel a real sadness too…This is an area, close to my heart, one that I address with in my work around human connection and relationships and interactions …

So I say lets talk about love and affection in our trainings with those working with our children, in their homes, in nurseries and in schools and lets invite discussions and the opportunity for people to share their beliefs and attitudes and to explore their fears and concerns in this area.

We all need hugging and cuddling no matter what age we are

Are you willing to share your thoughts on this one?